Son of Crazy-Making

Okay, now I can't have this baby yet.  I can't have this baby until I am well and truly over the horrendous, throbbing, snuffling, feverish, monster cold I contracted from God only knows where, and which seems to be determined to hang around until the end of recorded time, or my due date, whichever comes first (for all you punters at the off-track, I hear Vegas favors the end of recorded time getting here before this baby does). 

And, since I am already pretty close to the end of my rope, of course this is not just a little-sniffles kind of cold.  Nosirree.  This is the kind of cold where I woke up one morning and searched the pillow for tracks, because someone let a cement mixer into my room and it dumped a couple sidewalk's worth of compound right into my sinuses.  And then the Domino Effect from Hell kicked in.  Domino Effect as in, because my sinuses are completely blocked, I have to breathe through my mouth, which means that my mouth and throat are dry as the Taklamakan, which means that when I swallow, I can feel the bolts of pain radiate all the way up my throat and into my ears.  Domino Effect as in, because I have a cold, I can't sleep, so I'm crabby, so I take cold medicine, which makes me dopey, which means I can't focus, which also makes me crabby.  I've been crabby for so many days in a row now, I automatically assume that anything my nearest and dearest say, think, or do is going to annoy me, to the point where my husband limits our conversations to yes-and-no questions (although my daughter, showing the perverse nature of all toddlers, wants more mommy attention and coddling, not less).  I've sucked on so many cherry-menthol-lyptus cough drops I can't taste anything else, that is, if I could taste anything in the first place, unless it's the metallic aftertaste of sudafed.  I've squirted up an ocean's worth of plain saline nasal spray in a desperate attempt to prevent the contents of my cranium from completely dessicating, and then of course, I've flooded my system with water, water, water.  I know I recently wrote a whole entire post about how I'm agnostic-leaning-toward-atheist, but if I thought it would reduce the duration of this cold by a mere 24 hours, I'd pray to any form of the Deity, or hell, any deity for that matter, God, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, Zeus, Osiris, The Great White Buffalo, Quetzlcoatl, Hera, you name it. I'll embrace Zoroastrianism, I'll renounce all worldly goods, I'll kiss the Pope's ring, I'll sacrifice an auroch, I'll do just about anything (short of Scientology - that's off the table) if it worked on this damn COLD.

Oh yeah, and it would help if the medical community got its collective act together on what's allowed for pregnant women.  So far I've been told don't take sudafed, take only sudafed, take Benadryl instead (didn't work - I wound up stuffy and woozy instead of just stuffy), don't take Benadryl.  The nurse with my OB/GYN's office said that nasal spray is fine, the doctor on call at the same practice told me don't touch the stuff.  As a result, I have decided that I am just going to go with what works and to hell with the advice.  We're heading toward 38 weeks now, so the baby is pretty much all done developing anyway; if trying to find some measure of relief from my misery means I give birth to a baby bug-eyed from being hopped up on pseudophedrine, oxymetazoline, levmetamfetamine, diphenhydramine, or any of the other -ines they peddle under the aegis of cold relief, well, Child Protective Services is welcome to come talk to me. I'm sure I'll be willing to deal with their concerns rationally and calmly by then. Either that, or I'll choke the bejeezus out of whomever they send to Labor and Delivery, shouting, "Where's the freakin' nasal spray?  I don't care about the kid, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE NASAL SPRAY?!?!?" 

Now if you'll excuse me, it's been five and a half hours since my last dose of Sudafed, and according to the package, I can take it every four to six hours.  Not that I need it, mind you.  I can stop anytime I want.

Comments

[Joanne]

If you take some really good drugs, it may make S-Land more enjoyable.