It Will FEEL Like Eternity, Anyway

For those of you who keep track of such things, here's a news flash:  I am officially appalled at People magazine.

Given that my usual reading pattern consists of perusing old copies while I'm on the exercise bike at the gym, my defection is not going to change their circulation figures much.  But on a moral and philosophical level, I feel obligated to voice my displeasure in this public forum.  My ire was provoked after coming across this article last week.  It's a fairly middle-of-the-road article about a semi-sorta-famous Melissa I always have a hard time placing out of context (Gilbert?  Naah, that was Little House on the Prairie eons ago.  Rivers?  Nope, this Melissa doesn't have a freakishly large head.  Oh yeah, that Sabrina girl!).  Anyhoo, MJH went and got fat thanks to having two kids, then went on a diet and got a People magazine cover (clearly she is far lower down on the celebrity scale than Kirstie Alley, who got a cover story for just announcing she's going on a diet, but reality is cruel sometimes).  It was a very typical People former-fat-person story, blah blah overweight blah blah low self-esteem, yada yada private trainer personal nutritionist blabitty blah, so I was only half-reading it until I looked at the sidebar that describes the miraculous diet.  Here is what this woman eats in an average day:

• A protein shake for breakfast (with flax seeds!)
• A turkey wrap for lunch
• Salmon or halibut for dinner

Oh, and if that doesn't leave her stuffed to the gills, she can have a "handful" of plain almonds, or a piece of feta cheese wrapped in prosciutto to stave off the hunger pangs. 

Okay...

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DOES ANYONE ELSE BESIDES ME THINK THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LUDICROUS??  Sweet leaping sugar substitute, Batman, if you tried to feed a prisoner of war this diet, you'd be in violation of the Geneva Convention!!!  And why is Ms. Hart subjecting herself to this ghastly regime?  So she can weigh less than she used to weigh in high school - at thirty-three years old!  MELISSA, YOU ARE THIRTY-FRICKIN'-THREE YEARS OLD.  There's a reason 33-year-olds weigh more than high schoolers; it's called a TWO DECADE AGE DIFFERENCE!  There are a few things most of us have at 33 that we didn't when we were fourteen, things like boobs and butts and hips - and a little thing I like to call "perspective." too, as in, the perspective to see that there is far more to who you are than being the same weight as your high-school self.

To make matters worse, I had barely finished banging my head against the floor when I came across this little nugget: 

Melissa's biggest fear is gaining the weight back. She says, "It's always going to be a struggle for me." She stays on track by allowing herself the occasional treat like chips and guacamole or frozen yogurt. She also keeps a food journal to ensure she makes healthy food choices, and hits the gym with her trainer three times a week to do a 60-minute interval training session using weights and resistance bands. Melissa also takes two group fitness classes, such as spinning, every week.

At that, I nearly fell off my stationary bike (that would have been a neat trick, too, given that it's one of those recumbent thingies, but I managed).  OF COURSE Melissa's afraid of gaining the weight back, she's subsisting on less nutrition than an air fern. No wonder our Missy, here, has to keep a food journal - if she doesn't write down what she remembers about food SHE'LL FORGET WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO EAT.  Plus the pages make a convenient snack, one that probably tastes BETTER than the other crap she has to eat every day.  For the love of warm chocolate cake, what is wrong with this woman???  Is the thought of breaking the 120-pound mark really so awful that you're willing to subsist on deli turkey and plain broiled fish for the rest of your life???  The woman's three inches taller than I am, and I'd be very hard pressed to get my weight down below 120.  (Of course, we're in no danger of that happening, folks, not while I have coworkers who keep bags of Hershey's kisses and Chex Mix around on a regular basis, but still.)  What is wrong with this woman??

As far as whackadoodle diets are concerned, I know whereof I speak: When I was MJH's age, I went on the (f)Atkins diet and lost gobs of weight in jig time.  Sure, it was great to be 110 pounds, but I had a constant headache and a neverending grudge against life.  At my skinniest I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a couple months and he asked me for the love of God to eat a stick of butter. I don't know if being a skinny Minnie made me more attractive or happier or any of that because I was always too busy worrying about how I was going to exist in the real world and still stick to my diet.  Plus getting rid of every source of starch for the rest of your life forever and ever is totally unrealistic.  All that bushwa about not missing carbs once you've cleansed them out of your system?  Codswollop!  One trip past the boulangerie and you'd sell your sainted aunt for a slice of sourdough. I had lascivious fantasies that involved me cavorting with all manner of complex carbohydrates. Finally I came to my senses and ate an English muffin and you know what?  I lived. I started eating like a more normal person and acting like one, too.  That was the end of my love affair with Dr. Atkins.

Ironically, given my current rather muffin-esque proportions, I find stories such as Ms. Hart's far more demoralizing than heartening.  Yeah, I need to lose some weight, and yeah, maybe if I didn't eat everything that isn't nailed down that process might be more actual than theoretical. But if I thought I had to live a life with no bread ever again, I would throw out my gym pass and buy a wardrobe full of elastic waistband pants tomorrow. How long can MJH keep up this regime, anyway?  And what happens when she hits the big numbers, like 35 and 40, when your metabolism goes through another downward shift?  Her diet is already minimal at best, what else can she cut?  Ole Melissa may be uber-healthy and bikini-ready, but I guarantee you, neither she nor anyone else is going to live forever (although it would feel like forever after a day on that diet).  No one ever died wishing they'd spent more time at the office, as they say, and I bet no one died wishing they'd skipped that occasional glass of wine with dinner, either.

Comments

[Kristen]

http://perezhilton.com/2009-06-03-melissa-joan-no-hart-or-soul

Thought you could appreciate that.

[KP]

I too have been disgusted by this particular cover story while waiting in line at the grocery store. Mostly because, at age 30 and 5'7", I look like the BEFORE picture lurking in the corner above perky lil' Melissa. Thanks People Magazine. As if I weren't feeling bedraggled enough as I wait slumped over my cart to purchase more food for one night's dinner than Melissa apparently eats in an entire day.