Things I Do That Drive Warren Out of His Tree

I peel the stickers off fruit and stick them on the side of the sink and then leave them there.  Over the day the sticker welds itself to the enamel sink and then it has to be scrubbed off.  I could put the sticker right into the trash, which would be the logical thing to do, but I continue to stick the stickers on the sink and Warren continues to scrub them off.

I'm lazy and I don't deal with stuff.  I will let the Netflix DVD that we've finished watching sit in the DVD player for days on end even though we have nothing else to watch.  I forget to put reusable shopping bags back in the car because it's all the way downstairs in the garage and then I wind up using a zillion plastic bags.  I will walk by the same mess, or live with something that needs fixing, for weeks because I can't be arsed to take the time to deal with it. 

I don't carry cash with me.  Ever.  If I do have cash on me, I wind up buying stupid stuff like take out coffee and gum and other stupid things I don't need just because, hey!  I have the money right here!  Warren totally can't understand that. "Why don't you just put it in your wallet and not spend it?" he asks.  Because I SPEND IT, that's why!  That means whenever we go somewhere that cash is required, I wind up having to ask him for money the way a kid asks her dad for her allowance.  

I spend way too much time on the interwebs. 

I don't notice when shit goes wrong with the car.  We'll be out on a rainy day and he will say to me, "When did you last change your windshield wipers?" and my answer is usually along the lines of, "Uhhhh...?"  Or he'll be in my car after a lapse of several months and he'll ask me if I noticed that the steering wheel is vibrating like a wind harp in a hurricane. (Answer: No, not really, is there something wrong?)

I get pissed off and yell when the girls pee their pants or spill full cups of milk.  In my defense, I deal with 95% of the spilled milk and urine situations chez Pig.

I complain about stuff I don't control and can't do anything about, like the 40 days and nights of friggin' rain we've had around here since mid-June, and did you know we had only EIGHT days of sunshine in all of JUNE???  WTF am I supposed to do with the kids when we can't go outside and can't go to the playground and - oh, sorry.

Re: The laziness mentioned above - I am totally lazy about what the girls eat.  A lot of their dinners consist of things I can heat up, fry up, or toast up in 25 minutes or less. I'd rather make them some kind of cheese-and-starch combo that I know they'll eat than make a "real" dinner that India and Celeste will pick at only reluctantly.  I feed them peas and baby carrots all the time because peas are easy to heat up and baby carrots come ready to eat. I don't make them try new vegetables because I don't want to listen to them bitch about it, yanno?

I cannot walk past a flat surface without piling crap on it.  I swear, even if I have nothing in my hands as I walk past the kitchen counter, sh*t spontaneously generates and jumps onto the counter!  Every day I come home from work and dump all the day's bumpf on the counter, and every night Warren comes home and asks, "Can we try to keep this counter clean?"  It's a little tradition of ours.  Stacking stuff on a flat surface also encompasses putting folded laundry on top of the girls' dressers instead of putting the laundry in the dresser drawers.

I love trashy reality TV.  I would rather watch Real Housewives of Anywhere than most PBS Frontline shows (and I like Frontline, too!).  Warren only got to watch the second half of each episode of We Shall Remain because I insisted on watching Dancing With The Stars on the good TV. 

I've decided that the secret to a good marriage isn't the stuff you like about each other; it's the stuff that you hate.  If you can look at the things that drive you absolutely batshit crazy about the inconsiderate jerk you married and still feel like you got a decent bargain, that says far more than any lovey-dovey hearts-and-flowers romantic nonsense.  Let's face it, living with a fellow human being 24/7, there's going to be lots of things to dislike.  Years ago I lived with a guy who was a really decent human being, but there were things about him I just couldn't stand and I wound up hating being with him.  If the relationship had been stronger and based more in reality than on our mutual illusions of each other, those issues could have been surmountable.  At the ripe old age of 41, I've come to realize that I'm probably not going to change all that much.  Years from now, I probably will still be lazy, prone to leaving stickers on the sink, and impatient about ridiculous things.  On the other hand, my bad habits don't include lying, gambling, stripping under a pseudonym, spending us into debt, or manufacturing crank in the basement - all of which goes back to my "good bargain" theory.  Personally, I got the much better end of the deal when I married Warren, a fact that I refuse to tell him because I don't want that going to his head (although he does insist on asking me why I didn't pay off my student loans with the signing bonus from my incredibly lucrative first teaching job).  We'll see how long it takes him to realize I said this, because he reads my blog only very infrequently (which miffs me no end, but I deal - see what I mean?).

Comments

[Joanne]

So....you strip under your real name now?

[Pam]

Other than trashy reality tv, we could be twins!

[madge]

I used to do the same sh*t with the fruit stickers. It drove T so crazy that I just reached over ansd stuck them on the nearest bottle. My new habit is to affix them to the Veggie Wash bottle. Now people comment on how cute and crafty I am.

Ha haha! If they only knew.

[Cindy]

We sound sooooo much alike, its scary!!!

[Robin]

I STILL do the same shit with the fruit stickers! It drives Drew crazy!

[Auntie Sarah]

So....you strip under your real name now?

Oooohhhh, snap, Joanne! You are so quick ... I loved this comment!

[Elaine]

That's what I've always said! My husband has a lot of quirks that drive me crazy and yes he annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but I'd would rather put up with his shit than anyone elses' - if that makes sense.

[el-e-e]

The stuff! In your hands?... that goes onto the counter...? ME!! That's so me. Also, "I don't make them try new vegetables because I don't want to listen to them bitch about it, yanno?" YES. Totally know!

Love this post.