I know I share a lot of stories of heartbreak and woe on these virtual pages, or at least, I gripe a lot about what pisses me off, but once in a while, I hear a heartwarming story that makes me want to stand up and cheer. In the spirit of the new year, I thought I'd share: Over the holidays, I got to spend some time with a good friend. She told me a story about her nephews, who are high school- and middle school-aged. Younger Brother has Asperger's Syndrome, including the problems with social skills and peer relations. Older Brother, being a good sibling, has made a point of looking out for Younger Brother through the years. However, once Older Brother went to the high school, he could no longer be the eyes and ears he had been.
Well, Nature abhors a vacuum, so you can imagine that once Older Brother was out of sight, someone else stepped in to fill the gap - cue the entrance of one Juvenile Delinquent, newly returned to the community and, of course, assigned to the same bus as Younger Brother. You can fill in the rest - the harassment, the intimidation, the lack of effective intervention from authority figures, all of which continued until Little Brother had to be driven to school every day. Older Brother was, needless to say, beside himself, but being at a different school, there was nothing he could do about it. Then school started in September, and - guess what! - Juvenile Delinquent was now in 9th grade. At the first opportunity, Older Brother sought out Juvenile Delinquent. He tapped on JD's shoulder. "Hi!" he said, "You don't know me, but I'm Younger's brother!" Then, without waiting for a reply, he pulled back, cocked his fist, and clocked the @sshole right in the jaw. The kid went down like a ton of bricks.
My first reaction to this story was surprise - surprise because this story made me realize just how ordinary scenarios like this used to be, and how comparatively rare they are now. The fact that one kid administered some sorely deserved schoolyard justice to another kid used to be much more commonplace.
Second, this story brought home just how much we have infantilized and disempowered our children in the name of making schools and other institutions safe, welcoming environments for everyone. The fact is, school shouldn't be a safe and welcoming environment for everyone; it should be a safe and welcoming environment ONLY for those people who are willing to reciprocate in making it safe and welcoming for others. The kid who makes homophobic, racist, or sexist comments should NOT find school a warm and cozy place to be. The kid who picks on littler or weaker or less able kids should NOT think s/he is going to get away with it. The kid who thinks it's funny to be mean to the kid who's different SHOULD be looking over his or her shoulder and wondering when it's going to catch up to them. In reality, all the security cameras and no-tolerance policies and such have had a paradoxical effect in giving the jerks more power instead of less, because the good kids who used to stand up to these kids are actually concerned about their reputations and records, while the jerks don't give a sh!t. Furthermore, we have managed to eliminate or subvert all the opportunities the good kids used to have to learn how to handle the jerks. This is scarcely an original sentiment, but it's true - thanks to scheduled playdates, supervised sports, structured enrichment activities, and hyperinvolved parents, we have managed to raise a generation of kids who don't know what to do when life spits in their eye.
[A lengthy aside is necessary here, lest a certain element of my readership try to claim that this is the fault of FDR, the nanny state, and/or Great Society programs. Let me state for the record that the forces that have created the atmosphere of enablement and entitlement know no color, creed, or political persuasion. I am definitely in the "knee-jerk liberal" camp, but I firmly believe that my girls have to experience at least their fair share of hard knocks and deal with them without benefit of parental intervention; by the same token, many a enabled little princeling or entitled junior diva pulls up to school in a vehicle plastered with Tea Party bumper stickers. So let's not make it a political issue, mmmkay?]
The fact is, kids are pack animals (to a greater or lesser extent), and they do act as a corrective force on one another. If you were lucky enough to grow up in the 70's, think about it: How many times did your parents get on you to wear clean clothes, take a shower, and comb your damn hair once in awhile? Did that change your behavior? Now when your peers started saying, "dang, man, you smell," - what happened then? I'm willing to bet that far more kids got turned on to the benefits of personal hygiene by fear of their peers' disapproval than by their parents' efforts. Looking back at the story that started this post, is Juvenile Delinquent likely to see the error of his ways? Maybe, but probably not. Is he likely to think twice before picking on Little Brother or any other atypical kid again? I bet he is.
I need to be clear here that I am not advocating for allowing unchecked vigilantism or wishing for a return to the law of the jungle. We can't have kids walking around decking one another over every social infraction, real or perceived, or we'll never get anything done at school. But let's face it, peer influence is a form of power, and like all forms of power, we need to teach kids how and when to use it appropriately. To return to the example above, kids aren't born knowing that it's okay to call someone out for behaviors they can change or control, but it's not fair to do so if they can't. But nowadays, we don't even try to teach kids to discern between using peer pressure the right way or the wrong way. Instead, we treat peer influence like a pair of extra sharp scissors that has to be kept far away from the curious toddler. We lock the scissors away and then wonder why, when it comes time to send the little dears to college, none of them has any idea how to cut a piece of paper.
"The fact is, school shouldn't be a safe and welcoming environment for everyone; it should be a safe and welcoming environment ONLY for those people who are willing to reciprocate in making it safe and welcoming for others. The kid who makes homophobic, racist, or sexist comments should NOT find school a warm and cozy place to be. The kid who picks on littler or weaker or less able kids should NOT think s/he is going to get away with it. The kid who thinks it's funny to be mean to the kid who's different SHOULD be looking over his or her shoulder and wondering when it's going to catch up to them. "
That's the best, smartest thing I've read all week. You are really onto something here. I'm stumbling this (faccialunababy on stumbleupon.com).
"peer influence is a form of power, and like all forms of power, we need to teach kids how and when to use it appropriately."
Unfortunately, ? parents have to mentor empathy and other positive character traits ... like social conscience ... from an early age. And unfortunately, I don't think parents give this stuff the critical emphasis it demands ... although sports and other ego ornaments/outlets are emphasized just fine.
I couldn't agree more that school communities need to think passionately out of the box about ways to make the bullies more uncomfortable than their targets. Not a simple objective. Especially when you consider things like ... the hidden nature of aggression among girls, etc ...
This is beside the point a bit, but when I read the bit about the delinquent getting punched ... I thought ... well ... more abuse for him on top of what he's probably already had in his young life. Not saying that he deserved sympathy and not taking away from your point AT ALL. He more or less got what he deserved in (probably) the only way he could effectively understand. I just see the failure of his parents to teach him how to get along in life leading to ... him having to learn the hard way ... and not necessarily before it's too late. Another case of misplaced consequence ... just as the bullies deserve the pain, so do the parents of maladjusted kids. And so on, up the chain. Unfortunately, a lot of kids have some pretty heavy stuff to overcome in order to become functional, happy adults. Very sad. Sad, too, for all the kids like Younger who DON'T have a big, protective, able-fisted brother to look out for them.
I totally take your other point, too, about giving kids the opportunity to develop effective ways of standing up for themselves. Another easier-said-than-done thing. Not that we should shrug our shoulders and stop talking about it. Just the opposite.
Posted by: Pale | January 07, 2012 at 11:49 AM
PS I also tweeted you. PaleBeyond on twitter.
Posted by: Pale | January 07, 2012 at 12:04 PM