Now that the nonsense that is Halloween finally has abated, it's time to look ahead to a holiday worthy of our efforts: Thanksgiving! And lest you think that I like Thanksgiving solely because it's an entire day devoted to the pursuit of socializing and eating, let me hasten to assure you that you are 100% correct. Hey, I get along with my family of origin and I like hanging out with them for the day, and everyone in my family likes to eat, so what's not to love? I understand that not everyone greets the prospects of 24 to 48 hours with their kith and kin so joyfully - I imagine the Guidice/Gorga clan probably would rather order out Chinese and hit the Black Friday sales early - so I know what I'm thankful for!
Having said that, I do have a few prejudices and predilections of my own about Turkey Day (I know, you're shocked - shocked, I say). And, since I have nothing more compelling to blog about, why not blog about this? Forthwith, I present:
The Some Pig Rules of Thanksgiving
1. Thanksgiving dinner should not be any earlier than 4 p.m. I don't understand you people who eat your turkey dinner at 1:00 in the afternoon. How do you function for the rest of the day? Besides, here in the frozen North, darkness falls with a heavy thud around 4:00 anyway, so we need to get outside as much as possible during the brief daylight hours.
2. On the other hand, dinner needs to be early enough that you'll get hungry again before bedtime, so you can have a leftover turkey-and-fixins sammitch.
3. Check your dietary weirdness at the door. If you come to my house for the Thanksgiving festivities, don't bring your no-carb/raw/vegan/Paleo nonsense with you, because we are having alllll the traditional elements, including stuffing made with bread, sides cooked with lashings of butter, and something that used to be alive and gob-gob-gobbling in the center of the table. And if you're choosing to go gluten-free because that's the latest "it" diet and you think it's all trendy, I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine who really truly suffer from gluten intolerance, any one of whom would love to have you shoulder their dietary problems in their place. Then you can be all, "oh, no, gluten's not healthy for you," while they have thirds of stuffing and pie.
4. Cranberry sauce is jellied cranberry, the kind WITHOUT the whole berries in it and WITH the little lines from the can in the sides. If you want to add in various cranberry relishes, chutneys, whole-berry "salads" and whatnot, have at it - but know there's gonna be a cut-glass dish of plain ole Ocean Spray on the table next to your Martha-Stewart-worthy gourmet concoction. Do I even need to explain the superiority of the slice-and-serve cranberry sauce over the chunky gourmet variety for sandwich fixings?
5. If it's a holiday for me, it's a holiday for the kids, too. That means the usual rules about TV watching, iPad use, healthful snacks, etc., go straight out the window. Why? Because I want to relax, dagnabbit, not spend my time policing whether or not the little heathens are sneaking around eating Halloween candy behind our backs. I want to have grownup conversations without incessant interruptions from people who feel compelled to tell me that they're booo-o-oo-ooo-red, and if that means they get to burn their retinas on 17 hours of iCarly reruns, well, that's a price I'm willing to pay. And if certain family members don't agree with this reasoning, Warren, then the person in question may feel free to take on the responsibility of Chief Child Entertainment Officer for the duration.
6. The dress code prioritizes comfort over formality. I promise my clothes will be clean and not sweatpants. Beyond that, don't get too judgey mcjudgerson. There will be elastic waistlines involved.
Well, even just listing these rules makes me all giddy with excitement! The turkey! The stuffing! The pumpkin pie!! The weeks of cleaning and planning we have to do to get ready - oh wait. Sadly, there's no rule about tolerating a dirty house. Maybe we'll give that some consideration for next year.