Some Pig

At Least I'm Not Alone In This

While I was tending my flock at Sunday school [shut up] and waiting for them to get the flock out, my friend Barbara stuck her head round the door.  "I saw your post about household rules," she said, "and I'll send you mine on Monday."  This filled me with glee, as Barbara is one of my favorite peoples.  She's the material culture curator at the local historical society; I've learned more from her offhand asides than I've learned from many a Ph.D. I paid for the honor, and she's got a wit drier than a James Bond martini.  Basically, I just want to follow her around and curl up at her feet like a little puppy dog while she tells me amusing historical anecdotes, except that that sounds ... weird.  Anyway, I asked her if I could use her household rules as a "guest post" (read:  post I don't have to write) and she gave her royal consent.  If you're fuzzy on your ancient history, you might want to peruse this first so you're in on the joke.  Enjoy!

Code of Hammurabarbara

2003 C.E.

When Anu the Sublime, King of the Anunaki, and Bel, the lord of Heaven and earth, who decreed the fate of the land, assigned to Marduk, the over-ruling son of Ea, God of righteousness, dominion over earthly man, and made him great among the Igigi, they called Exeter by his illustrious name (well, maybe not), made it great on earth, and founded an everlasting kingdom in it, whose foundations are laid so solidly as those of heaven and earth; then Anu and Bel called by name me, Hammurabarbara, the exalted one, who feared God, to bring about the rule of righteousness in the land, to destroy the wicked and the evil-doers; so that the strong should not harm the weak; so that I should rule over the people like Shamash, and enlighten the land, to further the well-being of all.

So, I wrote these rules. It would be a good idea to follow them, as some of the penalties are pretty fierce.

THE LAW

Ye who doth leave his/her mode of transport out in the evening rains shall be awakend  from thy slumbers to traverse into the exterior darkness to return it to shelter.

Ye who doth leaveth toweling unattended  in repose on the floor of resting rooms shall be awakened from thy slumbers to attend to its drying needs.

Ye who doth leaveth oral cleansing  containers uncovered after use shall be awakened from thy slumbers or recalled from thy more favorable activities to tend to its preferred  mode of repose.

 Ye who doth dispense for himself a cooling drink shall be responsible for the vessel and shall return it after use to the chef’s lair.

 Ye who doth dispense for herself a drinking straw for use with a cooling drink shall dispose of both straw and wrapper after use in the proper place.

Ye who eats rice unattended in the familial gathering place shall suffer the consequences of subsequent broom attack upon the carpeting  by the exalted one.

 There shalt  be no free-range pudding within the kingdom.

 Ye who have taken it upon oneself the role of chef shall be responsible for the cleansing of the chef’s lair.

 All those who have not yet attained the age of 10 years shall be in nightclothes by 9:00 pm each evening.

 All those who have not yet attained the age of 10 years shall have completed oral cleansing by 9:00 pm each evening.

 All those who have not yet attained the age of 15 years shall vacate the lower realms by 10:00 pm each evening, and shall begin the night’s slumbers at that time.

The griot box shall be controlled after 10:00 pm by those who have attained the age of 40 for the purpose of viewing  various and sundry murder, medical, and violent epics.

 Wednesday, and Wednesday alone, shalt be ice cream days unto the first weekend in September.

 The griot box shalt not be turned on during the hours from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm.  Likewise, it shalt not be on during  meals or gatherings.

 Those who have attained the age of 12 years may traverse the kingdom at the will and consent of the exalted one. 

 The exalted one shalt not be treated as a common housemaid.  The mate of the exalted one likewise shalt not be treated as a common servant, except by the exalted one and then only when she feels like it and he really really wants to mow the grass anyway.

 Those within the kingdom shall keep a kindly demeanor and shall avoid harboring discontent, inciting war-like behavior from other subjects or voicing trivial discontent.  Especially at mealtimes.

Food shall not be airborne at anytime in the kingdom..

Ye who brings food, crockery, or utensils into the familial gathering place shall remove said objects when no longer in use or shall be awakened from slumbers or removed from a more favorable activity until said objects are correctly dispensed with.

Failure to comply with the code of the exalted one, or to  requests for service by the exalted one will lead to revocation of more favorable activities.

Clothing and footgear shall not be abandoned in undesirable places.

Votive statuettes [Barbies and Polly Pockets] and the clothing of votive statuettes shall be returned to locations of storage before worshippers retire to places of slumber.

Votive statuettes and the clothing of votive statuettes shall be returned to locations of storage by the worshippers at the request of the exalted one at any given time.

The following cannot be spoken by subjects to the exalted one or the exalted one’s mate without suggestions of remedy:

• pertaining to lack of preferred foods
• pertaining to lack of favored activities
• pertaining to regrets concerning absent acquaintances
• pertaining to inability to perform favored activities due to other familial members' lack of ability
• pertaining to unfavorable schedule of exalted one or exalted one’s mate
• pertaining to lack of funding
• pertaining to unfavorable weather

These shall be replied to with little enthusiasm and flat affect by the exalted one and the exalted one’s mate.  Raising  of one’s vocal level shall not change this response.  Continuation of such conversation shall result in subject being banished to the upper realms.

My First CliffNotes

Those of you who know me, know I'm always on the lookout for the fast buck.  I'm on a constant quest to find the next formulaic blockbuster that's going to strike it big.  So far, I've missed out on chick lit, vampires, chick lit involving vampires, rainbow fairies, and unrealistically girlie princesses, but I'm convinced my time will come!  Some day I will find that magical combination of an idea that can be repeated in endless variation, a public eager to consume that idea in its endless variations, and a corporate entity willing to pay me a shitton of money to provide that idea in multiple forms.  Meanwhile,  I keep in practice to ride the next big pop culture wave by writing scripts on spec for the shows my children watch.  I figure the writers are always looking for new ideas, right?  Here's what I've come up with so far:

Clifford the Big Red Dog

Emily Elizabeth meets up with a group of her friends to complete a complex task most adults couldn't accomplish.  Jetta makes a snarky remark but is persuaded to join in the effort.  Halfway through the task, they realize they cannot complete it without assistance.  At the last moment, Clifford the Big Red Dog shows up to help and everyone is relieved.  At the end, everyone notices that Clifford is big and red and a dog.   Cue laughter.

Dora the Explorer

Dora and Boots meet up to complete a task a submoron could figure out how to do without much difficulty.  Halfway through the task, they realize they cannot complete it without assistance from various talking inanimate objects.  Singing ensues.  Swiper is told not to swipe things despite the fact that he is named "Swiper," which means he is being set up to fail.  At the last moment, everyone is relieved to achieve their goal.  More singing ensues.  Cue laughter.

Berenstain Bears

In the course of living their daily lives, the Bear family learns to be kinder, wiser, and more considerate of one another, their friends, their neighbors, their schoolmates, the environment, and one-celled organisms.  In the course of the show, Papa does something impulsive and Mama says something wise.  Hugging ensues.  Cue credits.

Fetch with Ruff Ruffman

I find this show completely incomprehensible.

Whew!  That was a lot of strainin' 'em in the ole cranium, coming up with all that!  Now I just have to sit back and wait for the money to roll in, right???

You Can Add Another Half a Man to That 2 1/2 Men You Got

Thanks to the well-publicized antics and tweets of Charlie Sheen, one of my students has started yelping, "WINNING!" at random moments throughout class.  I must admit, this amuses me to no end.

Words of Wisdom

Celeste:  Mama, you know why we have Dada?  We have Dada so whenever anything bad happens in our house, he's there to help.  He's the superhero of our house!  That's why we have to give him love!  Because he helps!

Hibernation

Today I am holed up at home, accompanied by a feverish preschooler and several thousand metric tons' worth of paper, both needing my attention and some form of evaluation.  Which is basically what I've been doing nonstop, minus the snot-nosed preschooler, for the past four days - grading projects, and revised essays, and homework, lord, the stacks of homework.  Because how am I supposed to get the time to read all their projects and essays?  That's right, give 'em something to do... that requires writing... and submitting... and grading.  So, when all y'all start the "you only work nine months a year" nonsense come June, I am going to be well within my rights to punch you in the junk, mmmkay?

I am just as pleased not to be in the building today, because this is the time of year when the little blighters darlings Lose. Their. Minds.  Seriously, I don't know if all the time spent texting and/or playing video games over the holiday break melted their little brains, but their collective intelligence took a sudden nosedive after the vacation, kinda like my pageview stats two days after a new post.  And I'm not really referring to content knowledge here; it's more their ability to function like reasonably intelligent, autonomous human beings that's in question.  For example, I have a running stack of projects that I can't grade because NO ONE PUT A NAME ON THEM.  As in, no identifying markings whatsoever, not so much as a first name or an initial or an "i" with a heart over it.  It's bad enough when the little morons scholars just put a first name (usually female, usually a ridiculously popular name shared by only seven or eight other classmates, usually followed by an exclamation point - think, "Ashley!").  But when they put NOTHING AT ALL on there, well, that's when I reach my limit.  In addition, I feel as though we are reaching the tipping point where I am working harder and harder while they work less and less, an equation guarateed to generate disgruntlement and irritation. As a teacher friend says, "School should not be a place where young people go to watch old people work."  Amen, sista!

Here's a ferinstance to illustrate my point:  Just yesterday, I had not one but TWO little angels approach me and ask, "Did I miss anything last Friday?"  I bit back the urge to say, "No, of course not; we went into a state of suspended animation while you were out," and instead said, "Yup, you did.  We had an assignment due today."

Blank look, followed by, "Oh.  Well, I wasn't here." Okay, DUH, I know that; so what else do you need?

Response:  "Do you have computer access?  Did you pull up the online class calendar to see what you missed?  I had links to everything we did in class, and I put the assignment as a download."

Now, for your information, the school district makes a Big Hairy Deal about the online calendar.  We *have* to maintain an individual calendar, the more comprehensive, the better.  Which I do, apparently to no effect, because the following conversations ensued:

Kid #1: Ummmm.... no.

Me:  Why not?  You had Friday, and then we had a three day weekend, and THEN we had a snow day, so you had FIVE DAYS to get one day's assignment done.

Kid #1 (feebly): I was busy.

Me (eyebrows in hairline): "FOR FIVE DAYS?!?"

Kid #1 (in put-upon tones):  Yes.  There were... things going on.  (This student makes frequent, vague allusions to personal drama ALLLL the time.)

Me:  Look, even if you are busy, I expect that you should at least check the online calendar.  Don't come in here after an extra day off and tell me you haven't even looked at the class calendar.  You should at  least know that you missed something, and be able to say to me, "Mrs. S., I know I owe you the work from last Friday but I didn't get it done."  This is getting  to be a pattern where you miss a couple of days, don't get the work done, and don't have any idea what you need to do.  Can we agree that next time this happens, you'll at least look at the class calendar so you have some sense of what you need to do, even if you don't do it??

Kid #1 (grudgingly):  I guess.  (Slouches in seat and sulks, looking put-upon.)

Same conversation, Kid #2:

Me:  Did you look at the on-line calendar?

Kid #2 (in tones of triumph):  Yes, but there wasn't anything for this week on it.  I looked at it last night and this week wasn't on it.  [NB:  I had updated it for the week later that same night.]

Me:  But the assignment was from last week.  Why would I post last Friday's assignment on this week's calendar?

Kid #2:  [crickets] Oh.

Me:  Do you understand how I set up my class calendar?  Each week gets its own block, and the assignments for that week are linked on that block?

Kid #2 (mumbling):  I guess so. Yeah.

After a full day of that noise, along with any number of huffed breaths and rolled eyes, I'd had my craw full.  "I can't believe these kids," I crabbed to my co-worker, he of the famous coat-made-out-of-cookies commentary, and then proceeded to b!tch about all their transgressions, large and small - the lack of names on papers!  the complete and total disregard for responsibility!  the dearth of individual initiative! - and so on, and so forth, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

"I know!" he responded, "It's almost like they're fourteen years old or something!"

... point and match to you, sir, point and match. 

From His Lips To God's Ear

I found a missing transcript from one of Bill Belichick's recent press conferences!  Gather 'round, everyone, I promise this will make for fascinating reading!

Q:  Bill, everyone's hearing about how much your rivals want to defeat you this week.  Does this affect the way you prepare at all?

A:  Well, people are gonna say whatever it is they're gonna say.  All I can do is get my team ready to play 60 minutes of football.  Every week we try to be better than we were the week before.

Q:  Word on the street is that the opposing team has referred to you as "He Who Must Not Be Named," "The Evil One," and "The Harbinger of Doom."  Do you think that's a fair assessment of your personality?

A:  Well, you know, people have their own opinions about that.  And I'm not - I can't - all I can do is get my team ready.  Ready to play.  And you know, to play better today than they played yesterday.  That's what I can do.

Q:  Last week, your opponent held a seance that ended with slaughtering a chicken and pouring its blood over a straw-stuffed effigy of you, which they then burned and buried the ashes.  How do you react to something like this?

A:  Well, you know, I don't have any control over that.  What I do have control over is how my team plays and how ready they are for the next game.  Which we want to be better than our last game.  So we have to prepare.  Be prepared for 60 minutes of football. 

Q:  According to an anonymous source, the opposing team's cornerback hired a hit man to, and I quote, "pop that arrogant bastard and then strangle him with his own damn hoodie."  How do you react to this news?

A:  That's not really - well you know - there's nothing I can do about that.  People are going to do what people are going to do.  All I can do is do what I can do, which is to get my team ready to play an hour of football.  There's a lot we still need to do, which is what I'm going to focus on doing.

Q:  Is there any truth to the story that next week's opponent hired a priest to perform an exorcism upon your soul, presuming you have one?

A: No. You know, every team starts the playoffs at 0-0, so everyone has the same chance as everyone else.  The only thing I can do is try to give my team a better chance than the other team.  If they think they have to hire a priest to do that, well, [shrugs].

Q:  Reports out of Indianapolis say that Peyton Manning was seen after last week's loss staggering around downtown Indy, clad only in shoulder pads and a jersey, clutching his freakishly swollen head and gibbering the phrases, "Super Bowl," "rings," and "mediocre playoff record" before falling to his knees and screaming, "BRAAADYYYYYYYYYYY," a la Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire.  Do you have any reaction to this?

A:  Well, we all handle things in our own way.  My way is to prepare the team to play each week.  Each game is 60 minutes, and we have to be prepared to play for all 60 minutes.  Because the team that is better prepared to play for 60 minutes is the team that's going to win.  So, no, I don't really know how other people react to it, I just know that I try to prepare our team to play our game.

Q:  Do you have any reaction to the report that players who step out of line and talk to the media are locked up in the basement and flogged?

A:  No.

Q:  What about the story that the rest of the NFL coaches have banded together and offered a ten million dollar bonus to the coach of any team that defeats you in the playoffs?

A:  You know, you hear all kinds of things about what other people are doing, and - that's their decision.  What they do, and what they choose to do, we don't really think about that.  What we do think about is how well we play, and how much better we have to be this week than the week before.  And we have work to do.  We have to improve our special teams, and our offense, and our defense, and our secondary, and our third string sitting on the bench.  There's a lot to do to get ready to be the most prepared team on the field for 60 minutes.  Which is what I'm going to go do.  Get prepared. 

What Not To Wear

Today after I got dressed for work, I got the once-over from India - and nothing escapes her eagle eye.

She started frowning as she surveyed my face.  "Mommy, what's that gray stuff around your eyes?" she asked. 

"That's eye shadow, honey," I started, but she quickly interrupted me.

"No, Mommy, I mean that gray stuff here," she clarified, tapping the skin under my eyes.  "You have gray things under your eyes."  She stood back and studied me intently.  "You should get rid of those," she said in tones of finality.  "They make you look old."

Great.  Not only did I give birth to Stacey and Clinton, but apparently, the part of my wardrobe I should discard?  Is my FACE.

***

I related this story to my workmates later in the day.  My coworker Angela tried to make me feel better by saying, "But that's because you've had a cold, and you've been taking NyQuil, and..."

"Angela," I interrupted her gently, "I have bags under my eyes because I'm old."

Out of the mouths of babes... comes the news bulletin that you ain't no spring chicken anymore, apparently.

Haters Don't Be Hating

Anyone who knows me well, knows that there are two adjectives generally not used in conjunction with my name; those being "warm" and "fuzzy".  I fill the virtual pages of this blog with snarky commentary on parenting, early adolescence, and pop culture.  I hate all professional development and public initiatives that try to make people feel good about themselves based on nothing else other than the fact that they exist.  The most cutting put-down I can give is, "... and then we all held hands and sang Kum-ba-ya".  I loved the show Seinfeld because, as Jerry Seinfeld once explained, "nobody learns anything, and nobody hugs."

So no doubt it will seem incredibly out of character for me to admit this... I love Leo Buscaglia.  Really.  I do.  I like the essays better than the videos, because I can take it in smaller doses, but I love his message and his delivery.  Okay, it has something to do with his relaying the story about how his mother would tell him and his siblings to shut up, but that's only part of it.  He makes me feel optimistic and hopeful and happy, and what could be better than that?

How Apropos

It's like she read my mind:

Reality Bites

"Look at it this way," I said to my woebegone husband, doing my best Pollyanna impression, "things can only get better!"

"NO, Mommy," Celeste jumped in, using her best all-growed-up voice, "it can always get better OR WORSE."

Hm.  That was not exactly on message.