While I was tending my flock at Sunday school [shut up] and waiting for them to get the flock out, my friend Barbara stuck her head round the door. "I saw your post about household rules," she said, "and I'll send you mine on Monday." This filled me with glee, as Barbara is one of my favorite peoples. She's the material culture curator at the local historical society; I've learned more from her offhand asides than I've learned from many a Ph.D. I paid for the honor, and she's got a wit drier than a James Bond martini. Basically, I just want to follow her around and curl up at her feet like a little puppy dog while she tells me amusing historical anecdotes, except that that sounds ... weird. Anyway, I asked her if I could use her household rules as a "guest post" (read: post I don't have to write) and she gave her royal consent. If you're fuzzy on your ancient history, you might want to peruse this first so you're in on the joke. Enjoy!
Code of Hammurabarbara
2003 C.E.
When Anu the Sublime, King of the Anunaki, and Bel, the lord of Heaven and earth, who decreed the fate of the land, assigned to Marduk, the over-ruling son of Ea, God of righteousness, dominion over earthly man, and made him great among the Igigi, they called Exeter by his illustrious name (well, maybe not), made it great on earth, and founded an everlasting kingdom in it, whose foundations are laid so solidly as those of heaven and earth; then Anu and Bel called by name me, Hammurabarbara, the exalted one, who feared God, to bring about the rule of righteousness in the land, to destroy the wicked and the evil-doers; so that the strong should not harm the weak; so that I should rule over the people like Shamash, and enlighten the land, to further the well-being of all.
So, I wrote these rules. It would be a good idea to follow them, as some of the penalties are pretty fierce.
THE LAW
Ye who doth leave his/her mode of transport out in the evening rains shall be awakend from thy slumbers to traverse into the exterior darkness to return it to shelter.
Ye who doth leaveth toweling unattended in repose on the floor of resting rooms shall be awakened from thy slumbers to attend to its drying needs.
Ye who doth leaveth oral cleansing containers uncovered after use shall be awakened from thy slumbers or recalled from thy more favorable activities to tend to its preferred mode of repose.
Ye who doth dispense for himself a cooling drink shall be responsible for the vessel and shall return it after use to the chef’s lair.
Ye who doth dispense for herself a drinking straw for use with a cooling drink shall dispose of both straw and wrapper after use in the proper place.
Ye who eats rice unattended in the familial gathering place shall suffer the consequences of subsequent broom attack upon the carpeting by the exalted one.
There shalt be no free-range pudding within the kingdom.
Ye who have taken it upon oneself the role of chef shall be responsible for the cleansing of the chef’s lair.
All those who have not yet attained the age of 10 years shall be in nightclothes by 9:00 pm each evening.
All those who have not yet attained the age of 10 years shall have completed oral cleansing by 9:00 pm each evening.
All those who have not yet attained the age of 15 years shall vacate the lower realms by 10:00 pm each evening, and shall begin the night’s slumbers at that time.
The griot box shall be controlled after 10:00 pm by those who have attained the age of 40 for the purpose of viewing various and sundry murder, medical, and violent epics.
Wednesday, and Wednesday alone, shalt be ice cream days unto the first weekend in September.
The griot box shalt not be turned on during the hours from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm. Likewise, it shalt not be on during meals or gatherings.
Those who have attained the age of 12 years may traverse the kingdom at the will and consent of the exalted one.
The exalted one shalt not be treated as a common housemaid. The mate of the exalted one likewise shalt not be treated as a common servant, except by the exalted one and then only when she feels like it and he really really wants to mow the grass anyway.
Those within the kingdom shall keep a kindly demeanor and shall avoid harboring discontent, inciting war-like behavior from other subjects or voicing trivial discontent. Especially at mealtimes.
Food shall not be airborne at anytime in the kingdom..
Ye who brings food, crockery, or utensils into the familial gathering place shall remove said objects when no longer in use or shall be awakened from slumbers or removed from a more favorable activity until said objects are correctly dispensed with.
Failure to comply with the code of the exalted one, or to requests for service by the exalted one will lead to revocation of more favorable activities.
Clothing and footgear shall not be abandoned in undesirable places.
Votive statuettes [Barbies and Polly Pockets] and the clothing of votive statuettes shall be returned to locations of storage before worshippers retire to places of slumber.
Votive statuettes and the clothing of votive statuettes shall be returned to locations of storage by the worshippers at the request of the exalted one at any given time.
The following cannot be spoken by subjects to the exalted one or the exalted one’s mate without suggestions of remedy:
- pertaining to lack of preferred foods
- pertaining to lack of favored activities
- pertaining to regrets concerning absent acquaintances
- pertaining to inability to perform favored activities due to other familial members' lack of ability
- pertaining to unfavorable schedule of exalted one or exalted one’s mate
- pertaining to lack of funding
- pertaining to unfavorable weather
These shall be replied to with little enthusiasm and flat affect by the exalted one and the exalted one’s mate. Raising of one’s vocal level shall not change this response. Continuation of such conversation shall result in subject being banished to the upper realms.
